Photo Credit: I took this screenshot from my FB feed. All credit goes to the original owner of the photo.
Hello, it is I! Ayana rising from the grave of eternal laziness!
Ehem The blog title is actually the translated title of my favorite song in Suikoden II: La Passione Commouve La Storia. I am borrowing the title because it relates to what I want to write about on this blog. 🙂
I just realized that I haven’t made a single entry on this blog since April of last year! (Well, except for that one recent lore that I wrote for one of my stories…) So many things happened last year, and well… let’s just say that I didn’t get the chance to spend more time with this blog.
If you’re one of those who are still hanging around, waiting for any blog posts from me that makes sense and are not just a waste of time, thank you so much! You are one of the reasons why I still continue to write (although sporadic, that is). But honestly though, even if I don’t get a lot of readers or people may just dismiss me as someone not worth their time, I will keep on writing as long as I have that one reader who enjoys reading what I have to write about.
And that’s you! Again, thank you so much for believing in me and reading this! You are a hero in my book.
So, let’s get this party started!
But, where to start? Hmm…
Aha! I’m still trying to survive in this crazy world that we live in. Sometimes, I lose hope, especially when I watch the news and see so much hatred or violence. But then again, even though it’s a crazy world, my faith in humanity is restored with every single act of kindness that I see.
I didn’t have that much will or drive to keep myself writing last year. I barely had any writing done. Working on this blog right now makes me feel weird. It’s like… “what the hell am I even doing?” I feel so lost, and the process itself feels foreign to me. The words don’t flow, and everything I write seemed/sounded stiff to me. I find myself staring at the screen for an extended period of time, thinking of what it is that I want to write about. Maybe I am just overthinking too much? Yeah, that’s one of my weaknesses, lol!
I’ve been trying to get back to the habit of writing again lately. I space out when I try to write most of the time and always seem to struggle with how I’m supposed to write. I’ve started getting into the habit of reading too (although I’m not really an avid reader) and always feel jealous of how eloquent their writing is. And whenever I feel that way, I cry in my corner of woe and wallow in despair, thinking of why I can’t be like them. I wish I was born with English-speaking skills! 
But then again, I’d kick myself out of the gutters I’ve fallen into and remind myself of the reasons why I write. Sure, I may not be a native English speaker, but that gives me a unique voice. But I write because I LOVE to write. Writing is my one greatest love! I’ve been writing ever since I was a kid. Sure, everyone back then didn’t even bother reading what I wrote, but that didn’t stop me from writing to my heart’s content. I enjoyed all the stories I created, from world-building to all the characters I’ve made. Heck, sometimes I would even fall head over heels with some of them! (I am looking at you, Yuhan Triskelle of Rhapsodia Chronicles! D:)
So yes. I love to write. I enjoy building worlds and creating scenarios in my head that make me experience various emotions. Would you believe me if I said that I’ve concocted scenarios that made me burst out with laughter that people thought I was crazy? Yep, I did that. A lot of times, too, actually. I used to work at a bakeshop, and every break time, I would sit in the corner of the dining area and just write. Of course, my coworkers back then would throw me these weird, dirty looks when they saw me laughing to myself.
I’ve actually come up with scenarios, too, that made me cry like a baby. I would even roleplay the scenario every chance I get and end up crying, if not tear up. There were scenarios too that made me cringe, especially the stories I’ve written WAAAAAAY before, back when I was still in the Philippines. But, thinking about all of these now, I remember that, hey, I guess I am still human after all! I am still capable of feeling all these emotions, lol. (I sincerely thought I was no longer human because I became desensitized to everything…)
But… if there is one thing that I am sure of? That is the certainty that my love and passion for writing will never fade. Sure, there will be times that that spark will dwindle, but it will never go out. Writing has been a part of me for as long as I can remember, and I can pretty much be sure that it will stay with me until the end of time.
I know there will be times that I will feel hopeless and wish that things would have been better if it was the other way around. I just have to remind myself that these are nothing more than roadblocks that I have to overcome. I cannot allow these roadblocks to stop me from creating all these worlds that I want to share with everyone! And these thoughts and feelings I’ve suppressed for so long, I can finally let them all out. I’ve suppressed the inner child in me for so long that I find myself standing at the edge of a cliff, staring at the pitch-black void of my soul. I’ve lost myself once; I’ve become this resentful and bitter adult that could only see the world in darkness. I’ve allowed myself to become a slave of adulting and stymied my growth as a person. Now I know that all I need to do is embrace the inner child in me, and I’ll be able to soar away.
I may seem/sound naïve with this. I know the world is not full of butterflies and rainbows and unicorns. But if I can teach myself to look past all those and see the good in everything, just like I used to, the words should flow back to me once again, right? Maybe that is just wishful thinking for now, but hey, I won’t know until I try, right?
And again, even if no one reads my work, it’s okay. Writing makes me feel good, and I love to express my thoughts in words. Now, if I do get readers, even better! I am so excited to share my thoughts with you. And if any of my stories make an impression on you, or if any of them made you experience any kind of emotions, that would totally make my day. I love having the ability to connect with someone through my writing.
So…. yeah. To sum it up, I will be writing again. 🙂
P.S. This is my current eye candy right now. Staring at this pretty dude makes me swoon and inspires me to write. xD
a.k.a Yuhan Triskelle
Ayana's corner! 