My inner child!

Hello, it is I!

Ayana Mikain and once again rising from the grave of eternal laziness!

I hope you guys are doing okay! 

How are things with you? 

Your family? 

How’s life? 

Have you been vaccinated?

If you are, good for you! Here’s a virtual high five!

If not, no worries! I’m not going to judge you. I respect your decision, whatever that may be.

This pandemic has been tough. And personally, I can’t wait for this whole thing to be over! I miss hanging out with family and friends. I’m tired of seeing all the hate/dispute over safety protocols (coughmaskscough). And I’d love to get started on traveling or going someplace new for experience!

Yeah… I hope this nightmare will be over soon…

Oh – 

How’s your mental health though?

People always ask me how I’m doing. But I wish that instead of asking me that, they ask me about how my mental health is instead. It feels like the conversation’s going to be a lot more interesting than just the generic “how are you?”. 

I’m one to talk, huh? Lol. Hmm… I should start doing this myself, but I’m scared that most people would react to it in a negative light…

Anyway, I rarely talk about mental health (or at least, I think I do). I believe that my EQ is higher than most people around me too. But, mental health is something that I really don’t have enough or expansive knowledge about, and I can only speak for myself and based on my experiences though. But then again…. The main reason why I don’t talk about this a lot before was because of the “stigma” that came with it. 

How dare me, right?

But let’s get honest here. Growing up, I didn’t know or think too much of my mental health. Mental health really wasn’t a problem back in the Philippines when I was young. Or maybe I was just too oblivious to it? Too naïve? Maybe. But it could also be because the country was not ready to tackle such an issue before and just dismiss it as nothing more than an inconsequential thing. Or phase. 

Heck, I didn’t even understand why people were having these dark thoughts that some resort to hurting themselves.

That was before though.

I have a better understanding now on the matter.

I believe that mental health is as important as physical health.

Feelings and emotions can be overwhelming indeed. There are days that I just feel so sad and empty that all I could do is throw a tantrum, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. There are days that I’m infuriated for no apparent reason, and I end up lashing out at anything, or anyone (my husband would always say that I’m always arguing with someone on the road! Not literally, though, but I would curse out at bad drivers and argue with myself). There are days that I do feel happy and all, but those times feel so fleeting! Ugh… why can’t we just be happy all the time, right?

During my absence, I sought out and tried to see a mental health specialist. I’ve always wanted to try it since years ago, but I didn’t know where to start. A good friend told me that they do online counseling now and figured I should give it a shot. Now, I told my husband that and the first thing he asked me was….


Ah, I knew that question was coming.

According to him, I seem okay and happy.

Mmm… Yeah, that’s true…. But then again, not everyone who is smiling and looking happy are totally… happy and fine, right? I mean… sometimes people hide a lot underneath that smile. I did that before, especially when I was working retail. I grin and bear it, even though most of them were too obnoxious and… *sighs*

And so, I told my husband my reasons:

I wanted to improve my mental health. 

And to find my inner child!

I wanted to be more confident of myself.

And to be able to write again!

Once I got his ok, I signed up with Betterhelp and answered a questionnaire that would pair me up with a counselor.


And then, my journey began.

To be continued…

About Me

Confused writer wanna-be. Struggling to find her North Star. Weird. Dorky. Anime fanatic and casual gamer.

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