Ayana's corner!

It’s that time of the month… again.

No, no. I’m not talking about Aunt Flo coming to visit. Keep reading, I don’t have anything nasty in here.

Aunt Sadness, maybe…

Once in a while, I get this overwhelming feeling that crushes me so bad that sometimes I would end up crying. Or worst, throwing a tantrum. I feel bad for my husband every time I would get these episodes since I end up cursing him, ranting at him and arguing with him for even the tiniest of things. The worst thing I do to him every time this happens? I would dig up his past lovers and you know… just start an argument with him.
Now I know what you might say. You might say that it is inappropriate to dig up the poor guy’s past or that I’m being unfair to him. Yes, I know that. In the back of my head, I know that I shouldn’t be saying and doing all those things to him, but when I’m in that moment, I seem to lose all my logic and sanity and I would just do things on a whim. I have these all sorts of emotions in me. If these emotions or feelings have physical bodies, it seems like they’re all ganging up on me and beating me up into a pulp. As a result, I get frustrated and overwhelmed and well… Hubby gets to deal with it. And he’s… well… okay with it, I guess? Lol. He doesn’t complain.

Only he calls me abnormal…

I try to deal with these feelings by sorting it out and trying to see if I can find the reason that triggers these feelings. Dealing with this mixture of feelings is overwhelming for me, especially when I can’t pinpoint the reason as to why I’m having it. Most of the time, even when such feelings or thoughts plague my mind, I can just kick it out of my system and roll with my usual everyday life. However, there are certain times that the severity of it is crushing me and I just feel… sad and depressed and almost can’t see the brighter side of things. Yesterday when I got home, I was overwhelmed with the feeling of not being a good wife. And here’s a breakdown of reasons as to why I thought this way:

I haven’t cooked food in a while.
I should be feeding my husband, right? It’s a staple to being a good wife. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and it feels like I haven’t been feeding him enough.

Why haven’t I been cooking lately? It’s too freakin’ cold! And hubby knows that I get cold fast. I always hide under our comforter, in my PJs and wearing winter socks and my oversized red jacket.

Since rent is too freakin’ high in CA, we still can’t afford to rent an apartment by ourselves. Therefore, since we’re only renting a room, I don’t have that much freedom to use the kitchen. Sure, the landlady lets us cook and all, but it’s still better when you have your own kitchen.

All I do is play. And sleep. Rinse and repeat.
Don’t get me wrong. I play video games to destress from work. Playing these games makes me escape reality and journey to another world (which I’ve always wanted to be our reality instead…). When I’m not

Congratulations, you finished reading that incomplete entry! Now prepare to get your mind blown as you witness first hand what a major mood swing is like! (No, seriously. The above piece sounds so depressed and all and the next one you’re about to read… well, a mixture of different feelings.)

I actually wrote that entry above two weeks ago, if I remember it correctly. At that time, I remember being so sad and lonely and I reaaaaaaallly don’t know why. Well, there were a bunch of reasons (that I don’t remember now, lol) and I only got to write the part about how I fail as a wife (boooooo). I kept asking my hubby that last week and he said that I’m not a bad wife. It’s just that I don’t feed him enough.

Lol.

And thus now, I decided to cook. Cooking makes me happy actually. But that is only if I don’t get lazy then I feel sad once again. Okay, now I’m rambling. But yes, I plan to cook tonight (let’s see if this plan actually pushes through). What do I plan to cook? Pork Adobo. With pineapples and boiled egg, maybe.

Wait, wait, wait. What is the point of this blog entry?!

Let’s see…

My thoughts are actually empty right now and I really am just typing whatever comes up to mind. I don’t know what to think and that scares me. I feel so stupid and I’m worried that I’m a huge empty husk right now. This makes me question myself sometimes. I don’t know if I’m still human. I seem to lack certain feelings. I don’t feel empathy anymore. Do I still feel love? Yes, I feel sad, but sometimes I wonder… am I really sad or am I just… bored? Am I really happy or is it just because I think that, that is the appropriate reaction for that kind of situation? I’m not so sure anymore and that…. That scares me a lot.

Sometimes I wonder… maybe I’ve tossed my emotions aside as I taught myself to be strong. Growing up in a different country with no friends and a few family, was very difficult. I wasn’t bullied or anything like that, but I guess I was scared. It was a new country, a new environment with new people and set of rules. Not to mention that I have to speak a foreign language and not in my native tongue.

It was nerve wracking. For a 16 year old me back then, at least.

I’ve always struggled with self – confidence. Yes, I do know how to speak and understand English, but I wasn’t used to it. But, no matter how nerve wracking it was before, I chose to look at the better side of things. I always told myself that there is always a first time for everything and that practices makes perfect so I did my best to communicate with strangers. Some of those people were very helpful and they taught me that it’s okay to make mistakes and to be different. However, most people are rotten and well… they’re the ones that taught me that the weak gets eaten alive. So many things happened to me in these 12 long years and boy, I think I’ve changed drastically. (These are stories for next time.)

Bottom line is, I’m not the same person I was before, even though I’d like to think I was.

I told myself that I have to be strong. And that the only person I can count on is myself. Sure, I still rely on people from time to time. But if I know that I can do something and I don’t need anyone’s help, then I’ll do it by myself. Am I a lone wolf? Maybe. Am I a stubborn fool? Perhaps. But one thing was certain. I have to teach myself to be strong and not to rely on anyone’s help. And what that cost me… was my emotions. I lost a part of me. Now, some people think I’m cold. I even think that I’m a cold person myself.

I tried to do some soul searching or meditating. I wanted to reconnect with my old self. I wanted to find that child in me once again… that part of me that was always looks at everything through rose colored glasses, full of hope and excitement.

I miss my old self. 😦

I guess… I’ll just have to teach myself to be kind again and to be compassionate. I’ll start with myself. Then maybe… just maybe… I’ll come across the part of me that I lost and I’ll be whole again.
Hopefully….

Ahhh, I’ve been playing too much Lightning Returns. 🙂