Fatal Struggle


Hello, it is I! Ayana Mikain, rising from the grave of eternal laziness!

Ahh, that is so outdated. It’s already 2023 and I still open with that line, lol. I should come up with a better one for next time, that’s for sure.

So, how’s everything with you? How was your NYE’s celebration? How’s the new year treating you so far? How’s your mental health?

Fun Fact: After avoiding COVID like the plague it was for almost (3) years, I came down with it on the last week before 2022 ended.

And daaaang, I just realized that the last entry I ever made here was from February of last year! Do I even know how to make entries here?! Lol. Talk about major laziness syndrome! Oh, wait. I shouldn’t say that about myself. I shouldn’t be too harsh. I should practice self-compassion and be gentle with myself!

I couldn’t write because I was lazy, no. I’m not making excuses, but life kicked me so hard last year that I am still suffering the effects of its aftermath. It was a major sh*tstorm! It’s hard to get back up, specially when it keeps kicking me back down every time I’ll try to get up on my feet. So many things have happened, and well… I was just focused on surviving and getting out of this mess alive.

And no, I’m not in any kind of physical danger, per se. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. Sadly, it has started affecting my physical health too. I don’t have that much appetite and I lost weight in a span of a week or two (without even doing any exercise).

Hence the title, Fatal Struggle! (Or at least, that was the title on the first version of the OST I purchased from Itunes…)

But if we go off with the title on this video, Extremum Belli (Google translation to “the end of war”), it still fits this post too. I think…?

Note: Video credits to Signore Russo. OST is by Go Shiina for Code Vein by Bandai Namco.

And lol, I was just looking for a way to shamelessly plug in this OST. This has been my survival song. Not to mention that I am so, so obsessed with this as it screams EPIC (especially the middle part!). xD

Alright, all jokes aside. Let me share with you a little bit of what happened to me last year.

Honestly… I thought that 2022 would be a good year.

But then… sometime in the middle of the year, shit happened and all hell broke loose.

It was then that I realized how poor my boundaries have been ever since and how dysfunctional and fragile my relationships were with some people. I realized how people took advantage of my “kindness” (*coughpoor boundariescough). My life slowly fell apart. I tried my best to salvage everything I could from my crumbling world, but unfortunately, I was too petrified. I could only watch, unable to move forward as everything fell apart.

And the saddest part of it all was that I lost myself. It felt as if a part of me died and got buried underneath all that rubble and debris. All I ever did was to take care of the people that I love, help them in any way I could to make their life or situation a little better. I love helping people in any way I can.

Buuuut…. it turns out that everything I did was never good enough.

I think that should be enough information to give you a little context on what this writing is about. Or at least I hope this would be a good segue? No? Lol, I guess I still have to work on my timing… and chops? (huh…!?)

TL:DR – My mental health took a huge hit and it sent me spiraling down to the very bottom. It sent me to dark places as well that I never imagined I could go. I could barely hold on to the tiniest flicker of hope I have left. I didn’t know myself anymore. Every day I wake up, it feels like I’m just on autopilot, if not in survival mode. I didn’t even know what I want, my likes or dislikes, my values… heck, I didn’t even know what my end goal is. I didn’t care anymore. I felt so devoid of emotions.

It even got to a point where I was no longer enjoying the activities I used to enjoy, such as playing video games or even writing (hence the lack of entries). I mostly kept to myself because I didn’t have the energy or the drive to meet or converse with people. Interactions with hubby were sometimes forced or strained… like I was just going through the motions. Well, that was interesting, and perhaps a story for another time.

I just felt so down…

and lost…

and well, it felt as if I lost my life’s purpose.

That’s when I went to see a specialist.

And thus, I came to know that I was suffering from depression and high anxiety.

To be continued…

About Me

Confused writer wanna-be. Struggling to find her North Star. Weird. Dorky. Anime fanatic and casual gamer.

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