First thoughts in May

 

“Because you’re amazing, just the way you are.”

 

Yes, yes. This came from Bruno Mars’ song “Just the way you are.” But hey, even before it became a song, a lot of people use this to tell someone that they are… amazing, with just the way they are. And yes, this is probably used to woo a girl, but that’s not the only thing I want to talk about.

 

So, am I writing this to talk about Bruno Mars then? Nah. He’s amazing, but I’m not really a “fan” fan. *wink*

 

Be warned: I’ll be ranting on and off here and maybe go on tangents, but eh. We’ll see where this goes. 😛

 

I haven’t updated any of the stories I have up in here for a while and there’s a bunch of reason for that. One is… ah, fudge it. There were no other reasons aside from “I was lazy”. Yes, I’m not using any excuse this time. I was lazy to do any writing, or rather, I didn’t have the motivation to write anything. Why? That, I have a plethora of reasons.

 

• First:
  • May is here and we’re moving out of our room soon. I said room, yes, because right now, me and my husband are just renting a room in a 4-bedroom house. Now, am I complaining? No, but I would say that I just woke up one day and decided that I just don’t want to live in a room my whole life. So long story short, we’re packing up and will be moving out in two weeks.

 

• Second:
  • This ties in to the first reason. Since we’re moving, my “workspace” (where I usually sit down and write) is gone and all my references (books, manga, games) along with it. I couldn’t write without those and I can’t squeeze any creative juice from my brain. I guess I’ll just wait until we move in to our new place, lol.

 

• Third:
  • Too much distraction. I’ve said that all my games were already packed, but I have digital games on my consoles. (Ugh, I know, right? Lol.) And even if I’m not playing, it’s either we’re watching or sleeping. Uugh, I know it’s bad to always watch tv, but I can’t help it; I’m so freaking’ bored! And sleeping… who doesn’t love to sleep?! xD

 

But no, the main reason for me not writing is because… *drum roll*

 

 

 

I have no motivation.

 

Yes, I said it.

 

I just don’t have the motivation to write at all.

 

I know I’ve said on my previous post: to my #1 reader, that I would not lose hope and that I would keep on writing for the sake of my future kid. I haven’t lost hope and I want to keep writing, but I just don’t have the drive to actually write something.  I’ve asked myself a lot of times what reasons I have to write, and I always come up with a bunch of reasons. But it all boils down to one main reason:

 

I want to express myself.

 

But then now that I think about it… If I have nothing to write about, does that mean that I have nothing to express?

 

Have I been reduced to nothing but a lifeless bag of flesh?

 

Nah, scrap that.

 

Of course, I still have feelings. I’m still human, after all. I guess I express myself in different ways aside from writing. Like, when I’m mad, I usually curse at my husband and rant until his ears fall off or sometimes, I throw a tantrum (yes, I throw a hissy fit of tantrum, like a kid, lol). Or sometimes, I’d rather just sit in a corner of woe and wallow in my thoughts and mixture of feelings. There are times that I’m like a walking time bomb and would rather not be bothered or talked to. Yes, I’m weird AF.

 

I’ve been desperately seeking for any feedback the past weeks for the works that I have written. Sure, I have received a couple feedback, but it’s not really helping. I need more. I want more. I don’t want just a one or couple liners that says it was well put, or it was a bit cliché or what not. I want an elaborated feedback; one that tore me to shreds, but also gives me insight and all, lol.

 

It’s funny, though. Back in high school, negative feedback would make me cry. And even after high school, receiving a negative feedback always feel like I’m personally being attacked. Well, I still feel that way sometimes, but that is because I know who is giving me that feedback. You see, when someone I know gave me the feedback, I subconsciously create this bias within me. Yeah, it’s pathetic and I know it. But hey, I did something to address that issue. I have a form now that I send out to people, so they can critique me and stay anonymous, therefore, I wouldn’t be able to create any biases, lol.

 

But then again… there’s one feedback that I can’t seem to shake off and that is “grow up”. Grow up? What is that supposed to mean? Does that mean that I have to be mature in my writing? Or does that mean that I have to write erotic stuff? How do you “grow up” in writing?

 

I was also told that some of my stories are cliché and childish. But aren’t all stories cliché? I believe that it just depends on how a writer tells the story. Childish? Sure, maybe. But if a story features a teenager as the main character, it should have a dose of childishness, right? After all, in my point of view, teenagers are still kids. Some of them may be mature for their age, yes, but they still have that certain degree of childishness in them.

 

Ahh, who am I kidding? It must be me. After all, these characters or stories are an expression of me. It must be me that is childish, even though I’m almost done out the calendar dates.

 

But… is it wrong for me to be childish? Or more like, child – like? I do have my fair share of responsibilities and I am fully capable of taking care of myself and my husband. Does that not make me a grown up? Or maybe I don’t want to grow up. Is it wrong to be naïve or simple – minded in writing? Does the number of readers really what makes a good writer?

 

What makes a good writer?

 

I don’t need to be famous. Maybe sometimes, I need some kind of validation that my words mean something to some people. But as I’ve said before, I write to express myself. Writing allows me to escape from reality. But even more so, I want to touch people’s lives in some way through my writing. If they see my work as inspiration or if it allows them to escape the confines of reality, great. If I’m able to evoke certain feelings or emotions from them, even better.

 

But then again, I can’t please everyone and I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. Life goes on and we have to roll with it.

 

Now, is there anything wrong with me? Maybe. I’m not perfect and I will never be. I have my flaws and shortcomings. But I know that these are what makes me… and you, human.

 

I guess as long as we are kind and practice compassion and be a decent human person…

 

Then you’re amazing, just the way you are.