Ayana 2.0!

I love sleeping, but writing is life! – Ayana

Art: CC

Hello, World Wide Web, it has been a while! I hope everything’s well with you!

Well, my subscription has been renewed recently and… holy crap, it’s been almost exactly a year since I last made a blog entry! Gosh, that’s one year down the drain, huh?

Nah, I’m just kiddin’. I decided to take a break last year from social media and… Detoxify. Social media has become such a huge time and energy waster for me that I had to take a step back and get my bearings back.

Fun Fact: I’ve often used the word “bearings” in my conversations today, lol. Dunno why, but there’s something in the word that resonates with me. 😛

Anyway, back to social media… ah, yes. I decided to take a break from social media because it wastes time and energy. Not to mention that there’s a lot of toxicity too that poisons my mind. And with everything that I’ve been through the past couple of years and the time I spent battling depression… It was better for me to stay away from social media to keep myself from going insane.

Keep reading if you’re interested in what I’ve been up to last year besides taking a break from social media. If not, feel free to skip to the next part (after the italicized portion) where I begin to ramble about what the quote above was for.

Anyhow, the years ’22 & ’23 were the lowest points in my life. As I’ve mentioned earlier (and a li’l bit in my previous post), I fell into a cycle of depression. I was clinically diagnosed with high anxiety and mild depression. I sought help for my mental health because I was just spiraling out of control. I almost resorted to hurting myself as I was so tired of everything and just thought about ending it all. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I believe it is important for me to acknowledge all my decisions because that is what accountability is.

To continue the story, my mental health was on a decline. I would cry a lot and feel as if the whole world was out to get me. My life has fallen apart, with everything that has happened with some members of my “family. I learned so many things about myself; realizations such as how poor my boundaries were (if there were any at all!), how toxic I’ve become (especially to my husband that it was slowly poisoning our marriage), and how much of a people pleaser I am. I didn’t care too much about self-care; it was at the bottom of my list, if not extant. I’ve always felt guilty thinking about myself because it makes me selfish. Not to mention that growing up, I was taught that to be a “good kid,” I would have to be considerate and think of others, and always… ALWAYS be kind and respectful to the elderly… (even when they themselves don’t know the meaning of respect).

So, to sum it up, I focused a lot on my mental health last year. I did therapy, set down on a path of the healing journey, learned how to set up my boundaries and how to respect other’s boundaries, and practice self-care. It was hard at first because the feeling of guilt lingered and made me feel bad. But my husband would always remind me that it is not selfish to take care of myself, especially since I’ve been taking care of everyone around me for so long. I’ve cut ties with the toxic people in my inner circle and fostered relationships with those who stayed with me and of course, with myself. I’ve started healing and reparenting my inner child; I learned from therapy that whenever I “lash” out is when my inner child is feeling neglected or scared. I’ve started doing the things that used to make me happy, such as playing video games in a healthy way (Final Fantasy 16, let’s go!!), daydreaming, and… wait for it… writing! Yes, I’ve been trying to get back into writing and making a habit out of it again. I’ve done some freewriting and I’m proud to say that I was finally able to jumpstart the novel I’ve always put on hold. There’s still a lingering fear of writing occasionally, but the critical voice in my head has started to quiet down.

Fun Fact: Ooh, I also went back to school! I took two online classes to help me prepare for a certification test later this year.

And that sums up most of what I’ve been doing for the last year.

Now, let’s move on to what this entry is about. Ah, yes, the quote at the beginning. 😊

I’ve been sleep-deprived for the past couple of weeks. Me and hubby both work (8) hours a day and spend almost (4) hours traveling to and from work (more, when traffic is bad). That’s (12) hours of our typical day already. Then we have to prepare and eat dinner and clean up which probably takes about (2) – (3) hours. This leaves us with (9) – (10) and do our personal stuff together; he plays his online games which take a couple of hours, while I usually juggle my activities between watching, playing, or working on my homework. Then sleep… with the remaining hours we have left. We’d consider ourselves lucky when we get at least (5) or (6) hours of sleep, lol.

When my family (those who were left) vacationed, my hubby and I became house and pet sitters. My mom has a small dog I walk every other day, while my older brother and his wife have reptiles (yes, with an “S”!) which hubby and I feed when I don’t walk the dog. Now, the dog, tortoises, geckos, and chameleons were okay, but…! They also have snakes. SNAAAAAAAKES!!  Six snakes to be exact! I’m not sure if I already mentioned this before but I am hella afraid of snakes or anything that slithers! Taking care of the pets usually takes us (1) – (2) hours top.

Sooo, now that my brother and his wife are back taking care of their pets, I only have my mom’s dog to pet-sit. I still walk him every other day, so the days that we’re not walking… I’ve been using it to catch up on some sleep. We do catch-ups on the weekends too, but it’s never enough, especially since we are deprived of so many hours, lol. Sometimes it makes me want to go back to being a kid. Geez, I don’t want to be an adult anymore. xD

Credits: poffee (https://tenor.com/view/tired-dead-dying-anime-sigh-gif-15759433)

With that said… I love sleeping… but writing is life, hahaha! I was trying to get back into the habit of writing. I’ve been scribbling and doodling ideas here and there. But I’ve recently managed to start writing… on the story itself! It felt so surreal that I stared at my notebook in awe for a while, at my penmanship (Yes, I went back to writing on paper instead of typing). I couldn’t believe that I was able to write a couple of paragraphs…. After not writing for so long. There’s that sense of elation in seeing my handwriting on a piece of paper that I almost felt like crying for joy. Sure, barely a page written is not enough, but I’ve taken the first step back into creative writing. I’ve created something… And I’ve never felt so freakin’ proud of myself.

As I started working on this story – Rhapsodia Chronicles – these old and familiar feelings started growing within me. Feelings of joy and giddiness, excitement, and enthrallment, and just feeling lost in time… oh, how I’ve missed those feelings! Writing has always been a self-care routine of mine ever since. The characters I write about are parts of my psyche… an extension of my soul. Most scenarios are products of my dreams and imagination, while some are fragments of my distant memories. When I sit down and write these stories in my head… it becomes a conduit for me to release my thoughts and emotions. Writing allows me to create a beautiful mess!

However, when I stopped writing, those thoughts and feelings started to get bottled up. I sabotaged myself for so long when I was busy “growing up” and when I made myself believe that I was not enough. I could never call myself a writer because I made myself believe that to be called a “writer,” I should have been “published.” I tied my writing success to the stories I “can publish,” to fame or being well-liked, instead of my happiness. That’s when I started feeling lost… as if drifting on a sea of nothingness. For so long, I didn’t know who I was. When I stopped writing, the real me died…

And I was the one who plunged the knife into myself.

Writing has been a huge part of my life and still is. Sure, it felt like I seemed to have lost it, but it was still there. It has always been there. I just need to take out the metaphorical “knife” I’ve stabbed myself with.

Writing IS my life. It keeps me sane and grounded and allows me to keep my faith in humanity. It makes me happy, and no one else can make me feel otherwise anymore.

Ayana 2.0 is on!

Credit/Source: https://imgflip.com/i/1c353u

P.S. Final Fantasy 16’s Rising Tide DLC drops today!

P.P.S. What are you still waiting for? Go to PSN and grab yourself a copy of the DLC!! 😀